Answer to Age-shaming Accountability is Misogyny Trolls

"Why are you dating women 20 years younger?"

Several people have asked why I’m “dating 20 years down.” I will assume these are sincere questions, although in some cases the tone is derisive or judgmental. I don’t care. 

Although I previously gave enough information in my OP to infer the reasons, by reading between the lines, your approach is likely to be a view from YOUR generation. Let me explain. 

I’m GenX, a child of the 70s and 80s. We had a different culture and different values. We were raised to believe in the Romance Fairy Tale. Don’t judge us for that. You Millennials have your own brainwashing to overcome, hence the importance of the Pill That Shall Not Be Mentioned (hereafter, TPTSNBM). But it’s not only for you. Your route to awakening will be different from mine, but it’s the same reality, same rules.  

I married at age 23, fathered 3 boys, and divorced at age 33 (her stupid, selfish choice). My entire family was stolen from me, and yet my fatherly/protector/provider instincts prevail to this day.

Logic dictates that a guy who married at such a young age has little to no dating experience or understanding of modern women’s psychology. That’s why TPTSNBM is a rude awakening for divorced men. 

Also, I’m firmly in the autism spectrum but never knew that until my 50s. In my childhood they had other words for this (dyslexia, nerd) and psychologists didn’t understand anything about it, so it’s a lifetime of mis-diagnosis and actually, no guidance. I had to figure it out by myself and I did because I asked myself what I was doing wrong THIS YEAR, as I already said. 

This means I was already quite socially inept, and slow to learn about all this. However, I’m very analytical and once I find out that there is a game, I will soon master it. Hence the criticism that I’m overthinking. I did say I only learned about the rules THIS YEAR. Don’t judge me.

I know autistic guys in their 20s who are totally clueless about the game and they are at a huge disadvantage, however they are listening to what I have learned and this is a great advantage that I didn’t have, if they take it to heart. 

It is quite naive to suppose that a man in his 30s surviving divorce and child support, and character assassination is going to be psychologically or financially able to immediately re-enter the dating market. I knew back then (2000s) that I didn’t have much to offer in those departments. I had only acquired some experience and wisdom about life —but this isn’t what young/modern women are looking for. They don’t know what’s best for them so if you want one of those, you’ll have to use the rules to your advantage and to their benefit. Don’t expect much responsibility from them.   

By the time I was 43 I got over most of my handicaps and fortunately was still “young” and I hung out with younger people. I worked at a college.  One can accuse me of Peter Pan Syndrome, but the fact is, this is quite common. For better or for worse, in my 30s I looked like a teen and got no respect from women, even college age women. In my 40s I still looked very youthful and didn’t retire to be what society says I should be. I’m in shape and don’t have an “old man’s” mentality.  I hope you’re in as good of shape in your 50s but you’d better take responsibility for your physical and mental health now, while it’s not too late.

Don’t judge a destroyed man who got back on his feet to attempt to reclaim his misspent youth. At that time I did have a relationship with a college gal 23 years my junior who came onto me, BTW. It was actually a good experience for a couple years because it showed me that my thinking about “social norms” was wrong and that it’s not only possible, but rather common. 

I said that I sat out of the dating game for over 20 years because I clearly didn’t know what I was supposed to do. That means more decades with NO dating experience. 

As for dating down 20 years my junior, this isn’t hard to understand.

Women date up. A 30-something woman dating a 50-something man isn’t a sugar daddy situation, and the woman I mentioned who disrespected me with her shit test is 38. She’s not a child. They might be in it for his financial means, or simply his maturity and experience. 

A man in his 50s who wants a family isn’t going to date women in their 50s, no matter how hot she may be. Hence in this culture we have a double standard.

Cougars fuck young guys, that’s okay. Female teachers fuck their teen-age students and aren’t prosecuted for statutory rape. But if a man in his 50s is fully virile and wants a family, his choices are to

• get a single mom and raise another man’s kids, or

• get a woman who is still in the fertile phase. That ends about age 35, but those women are few and far between and usually come with a lot of baggage and entitlement in this culture.

• Thus a viable option is to go passport bro but you have to be ready to deal with a language barrier and gold-diggers and Russian Brides.

And we fiftysomethings get judged for that too. But I can totally do it, and I will, once I have mastered the rules. 

Hope this helps. I think sharing my observations and experiences is good information for older men in my situation —and also those Asperger's bros that no one cares about.

It is actually the nerds who are said to be the ‘good men,’ but they don’t know about the Nice Guy Syndrome, but they are whom I am writing this for. You Millennials don’t need my advice.

Yes, I think too much and write a lot. That is why I have a substack about what I’ve learned if anyone is interested.

Try not to be an asshole to people you don’t understand. Happy New Year!