How to Love an Avoidant Woman

Avoidantly attached women suffer fear of intimacy, chronically low oxytocin and vasopressin, chronic pain and autoimmune disorders

In this article, we explore insights shared by Adam Lane Smith, a specialist in attachment theory, focusing on women with avoidant attachment styles. Smith provides an in-depth analysis of the challenges and dynamics of relationships involving avoidant women, particularly regarding hormonal influences and the need for fair and direct communication.

Understanding Avoidant Attachment

Avoidant attachment is a defense mechanism often developed in childhood, typically when a child receives insufficient emotional comfort, leading to low levels of oxytocin. Oxytocin, known as the "bonding hormone," is crucial for feelings of love and connection. Avoidant individuals, particularly women, may believe that others are untrustworthy, resulting in a protective social barrier. They often keep their feelings and opinions to themselves, leading to a lack of deep emotional connections.

Hormonal Influences

Smith emphasizes the significant role of hormones in the behaviors and experiences of avoidant women:

1. Oxytocin: Avoidant women generally have low levels of oxytocin, which impacts their ability to feel safe and connected. This hormone is also linked to the female sex drive and the ability to form bonds through physical affection. 

2. Vasopressin: This hormone, associated with trust and social bonding, can substitute oxytocin when oxytocin receptors become dormant. However, avoidant women may also have low vasopressin levels due to a lack of conflict resolution and bonding experiences.

3. Dopamine: To cope with low levels of oxytocin and vasopressin, avoidant women often seek dopamine-driven activities, such as shopping or eating sweets, to find temporary pleasure.

Oxytocin is essential because it releases GABA - Gamma Aminobutyric Acid, which helps to suppress cortisol, the stress hormone. Women with avoidant attachment have excessively low oxytocin and GABA, thus often have chronic pain, high levels of cortisol, high stress, and high occurrence of other medical issues, including Autoimmune (autoinflammatory) issues and even very low sex drive. 

This fascinating research from Doctor Sue Carter, The Oxytocin-Vasopressin Pathways in Love and Fear, shows that oxytocin receptors can shift to accept vasopressin, however, a lot of women with avoidant attachment style don't solve problems with other people either, so they don't get much vasopressin either, and so they also often have very low levels of serotonin, which is derived from relationships, communication, openness, care, and nurturing. 

The avoidantly attached brain constantly seeks to plunge into dopamine-inducing activities as a way to compensate for those missing beneficial interpersonal experiences.

Relationship Dynamics

Women typically bond through sharing, talking, conversing, commiserating, and feeling accepted. But the avoidantly attached woman typically seldom does this. A lot of avoidantly attached women have a very hard time connecting with other people, especially to women. They only really connect with other men. They may have a bunch of male friends but that also feels awkward, so they don't really connect with anybody. They'll be very lonely throughout much of their life.

In relationships, avoidant women may struggle to connect deeply and openly with their partners. They might only engage in sex to satisfy their partner or seek validation, rather than from a desire for intimacy. This often leads to frustration for both partners, as the avoidant woman may not understand her partner's needs for emotional closeness, while her partner may feel unloved or neglected.

Strategies for Partners

Smith advises partners of avoidant women to prioritize fairness and clear communication. It's essential to express expectations openly and to discuss needs and desires directly. Avoidant women often fear unmet and unspoken expectations, which can make them wary of kindness and connection. Building trust and encouraging openness requires patience and understanding.

Transformation and Hope

With appropriate support and guidance, avoidant women can learn to open up, communicate their needs, and experience deeper emotional connections. Smith shares success stories where avoidant women have transformed their relationships, resulting in increased happiness, improved mental health, and stronger family bonds.

In conclusion, while relationships with avoidant women can be challenging, understanding their attachment style and the hormonal factors involved can lead to a more fulfilling and loving partnership. For those needing further assistance, Adam Lane Smith offers professional guidance to help navigate these complex dynamics.